So we come up with this brilliant idea to move me into the back bedroom.  I’ve been in the hole of a front bedroom since I moved back to Arizona, and the back one is so much bigger.  It will be like we both have two rooms.  Lovely idea, no problem with it.  But, I wasn’t really planning on going through with the whole thing.  I mean, moving stuff fucking sucks. 

I also have a problem with sleeping new places alone.  I haven’t slept in the back bedroom since before I moved to Virginia, and I had Jay with me back then.  But I come home Thursday night and the move (of the bed at least) has been made for me.  I’m exhausted and thinking, okay, I’ll just pass out and won’t even know the difference.  But, I’m lacking a few things.  The stereo for one.  You expect me to sleep in silence?  WTF?  And it’s WAY too dark in there, this will need to be remedied. 

But I lay down to give it a solid try, and the first thought that enters my head: “He made me stop watching John Edwards because of this.”

Many years ago I did nothing but sleep.  I didn’t go to work, I didn’t leave my house, all I did was sleep or lay on the couch.  I had my mom and boyfriend Jay there to take care of me all the time.  Since I didn’t leave my house I began watching LOTS of tv.  Trading Spaces (I can’t even STAND that show now) and shows about ghosts.  And people who talked to ghosts.  And shows about haunted places.

The middle of the night once, I actually had to wake Jay up because of the ghosts.  It was on that day he made me give up the ghost shows, all of them.  And that night is the first thing I think of when I lay down in that room.  I should have hit the couch.

I have an email box brimming with things I have already poured out, or ideas of things that I want to rattle on about.  So, right now, it’s not the writing that’s keeping me away.  It’s the time thing.  Thursdays are always hard to find time, I’m busy morning til night.  Wouldn’t have it any other way.  Most other days I should be able to carve out ten minutes to sit still and write.  Hmm, why isn’t it working?

First there’s the moving.  I’m having to move half my junk to a different room in the house.  I actually haven’t been involved in most of it so far, but the thought wears me out.

Yesterday I get a free pass because I was busy SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT at a Foo Fighters/Weezer concert.  Foo has never disappointed me live, and last night was the best I’ve seen.  It was rocking fucking awesome, and thanks for the Tenacious D too!!

And the rest is a combination of having to take work home with me, and not wanting to spill my guts about the hateful, annoying, stressful, and (lets face it) mundane details of my life the last few days.

I’m in desperate need of a full nights sleep.  Hopefully tomorrow night this will happen.

98% of the time I have a bottle of water and my camera with me.  Yet I don’t drink enough water or take enough pictures.

I hate shopping.  I would never buy clothes if the ones I had didn’t wear out.

I think I hate shopping mostly because nothing ever fits.  My legs are longer then every person I know.  Even my very tall friends.

I do all my thinking while driving.  This is why the crazy gas prices make me angry.

Ugly feet freak me out.  Birds scare the living shit out of me.

I’m obsessed with music, yet I’ve spent about $13 on CDs in the last year.

I spend at least that amount monthly going to shows.

I’m a little OCD and ADD.  I think this is a good balance, it works for me.

I’m a discouraged perfectionist.

I took Celexa for one month.  It didn’t fix what was wrong with me, and I didn’t expect it to.  I don’t think I’ll ever be on antidepressants again.

I believe in soul mates.  I’ve met a few of mine already.

Most people in my life would say I’m a pessimist.  The people who have actually learned me know that isn’t entirely true.

I email myself.  A lot.

When I’m stressed I chew on the inside of my cheek, and I sleep the entire day away.

I’m chronically late.  I really hate that about me.

I don’t like smoking.  I started to be a brat, I quit for three years, then I started again.  I don’t know why I started again.

I find it really disturbing when a product’s ingredient list uses the phrases “and/or” and “may contain.”  Um, shouldn’t you KNOW what you put in there?  Ug, the possibilities.

I haven’t sat down to write in days.  It seems too scary right now.  There are times in your life you just don’t want to remember, so writing about them seems foolish.

I need to branch out on the music.  I’ve been listening to the same five albums for weeks now.  This is better than my normal habit of one band for weeks, if not months, at a time.  What can I say, I’m OCD about several things in my life.  Music is definitely one of them.  I can listen to the same CD for weeks.  I’m thinking about starting a Jimmy Eat World/Green Day/Weezer/Foo Fighters rotation in honor of the upcoming concerts.

The other OCD thing is food.  In case you were wondering, it’s root beer right now.  Four cans a day will make you piss like a race horse, which is a very disturbing saying I might add.  I’m not used to this much sugar since I gave up soda over three years ago.  But I found the loop hole - root beer doesn’t have caffeine!

Why do weekends go by so quickly?  Is it because I sleep 12 hours a night?  Is it because it’s the only time I really watch TV?  Is it because time flies when you are intoxicated?  Why is Monday already almost here?

This is the week of guys at my work. My guys are in town, and it’s AWESOME. I talk to these guys weekly, some of the daily, on the phone. Okay, some of them SEVERAL times a day! So it’s great to have their energy running around the office.

Did the chinese food again. I deserve it. And I got back a weird nickel. At first I thought it was totally messed up, so I fell in love with it. Turns out it’s supposed to be this way, but still, this thing is bad ass. And I don’t even like nickels. They freak me out. And only one person in my life really knows that about me, because it’s weird. A coin freaks me out. I can say it.

But the weirdest part of today (Yes, weirder then me falling in love with a coin) is the fortune my mom got. They gave us four fortune cookies. Which made me feel like a cow because you know they ration out the fortune cookies according to how many people they think are going to be sharing your order. They’re stingy that way. But there was only two of us sharing this food that the chinese food place had deemed enough for four apparently since they gave us four cookies.

I’m a little weird with my rituals, I only eat one cookie, and AFTER I eat my meal. It freaks me out that the best friend insists on opening the cookie while we are still in the car. There’s an order to these things, and that’s NOT it!

Well, my mom broke the rules and ate two cookies tonight. And the chinese food cookie god was watching. Her second fortune was “Ignore the previous cookie.”

You don’t believe me? Maybe I’ll have time to scan tomorrow.

I listen to music all day.  No really, all day.  The only time I don’t have music is when I’m in the shower.  It’s on in the car.  It’s on at work.  It’s on while I watch TV.  While I sleep, when I think, the few moments I sit still.  Most weekend plans revolve around music, and I’d have it no other way.  Music is one of the most powerful influences over my mood.  And one song can bring back memories from years ago.

Top Five songs of my weekend:

My Chemical Romance - The Ghost of You

My Chemical Romance - Cemetery Drive

Underoath - Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape

Anberlin -Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen

Green Day - When September Ends

every time I look at my CD rack and notice my nephew has replaced one of my things with one of his.

Happy Birthday Zach!  Two is going to be a fun year!

I’ve always believed in karma.  Get what you give, you never get away with any thing.  To me that’s logical.

But I’m beginning to completely doubt that whole train of thought.  Not to be a whiner, but I think I’m getting the short end of some stick.  What have I done to deserve the wreck of bad karma I seem to have?  I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’ve done some things that deserve retribution.  But I know I haven’t done enough to deserve what I have been dealt.  I think I have been getting better each year, just like I should.  But it seems my luck/life is still getting hit with disproportionate rash of shit.

So what’s left for me then?  At this point I don’t believe in hell.  I can’t.  When I think about people I know who have evil in them, what is it going to get them to spend eternity in hell when they’ve failed this life?  I just can’t believe in hell.  I won’t believe that souls have to go to a place anything like that.

I’m left with nothing to believe in.  Maybe you get your good karma gifts retroactively?  Maybe some people get all the bad at once, and then the good later in life?  If so I think I’m due for a few things.  Just happiness with out having to struggle all the time.  They never teach you growing up that happiness is a fight.

So what this chopstick wrapper is trying to tell me is that in three simple steps I too can learn to use chopsticks? Sweet!

Step one - break stick apart.  Ok, got it so far, fun too.
Step two - do something totally wanky with your fingers.
Step three - give it up white girl, go get a fork.

Now if step three had been “Drop all food down your shirt and into your bra” I would have had that down!

Wrapper is cute though, even if it is mocking me.