I woke up at a quarter til, got out of the shower, did things to my face and hair.  Checked the clock in the bathroom and was excited to realize that I would have time to eat some cereal before dashing off to work.  A quick stop to check my email and I was off for some Froot Loops.

“Hmmm.  Sun came up early today.”  Okay, I’m slow in the morning.  I checked the clock on the computer and I think I woke up every dog in the neighborhood when I yelled “SSHHHIITT!  SHITSHITSHIT!”  I then ran out the door and cursed myself the whole way to work for being such a flaming moron*.  I was an hour behind.  But because it was an exact hour and I don’t know how to tell time, I didn’t notice.  Yeah, I’m a tard.

*Maybe because I have a raging infection?  It must be because we got our insurance enrollment forms at work today, but I woke up with ANOTHER UTI.  I can normally fight it, but this one turned ugly and I had to leave work early to come home and writhe in pain and tears on my couch.  This time apparently my kidneys wanted a piece of that action.  So pain killers and cranberry juice are on tap this weekend.

Yeah, this no health insurance thing is stupid, I know.  But I’m poor and, hello, trying to leave this job.  Not to mention completely terrified of doctors and who wants to pay $80.00 a month for the pleasure of seeing a doctor?  Not me.  Oh, how my body mocks me.

Ah, Billboard, thou speaketh the truth.

Today is the birthday of one of my best friends.  Magic birthday at that, 27 on the 27th.  I didn’t go out last year on his birthday because he went to a strip club.  Naked ladies aren’t really my cup of tea.  Whores on poles?  Not so much.

So I hear the rumor that we may be stopping by an establishment where I will be the only female clothed.  Oh, the queasiness.

Me: Mom, I’m nervous.
Mom: Well, be a good sport and if you end up at one just take off.
Mom: …
Mom: Not your clothes, NO! I mean take off and leave. Leave your clothes on!

She was no help.  Especially her stories of being kicked out of a strip club because she wouldn’t stop laughing.  Where’s the Pepto?

Christmas has come and gone, and taken with it my will to live.

Kidding, but I am TIRED.  We yanked down the tree today, I just couldn’t get comfortable in my own house with everything all crazy.  A weekend of filet mignon, fudge and two pounds of potatoes, and I’ve been in a food coma for four days.  After Christmas sale shopping and house cleaning made a (four hour) cat nap on the couch fully deserved.

But I got cool stuff, and even better everyone liked what I picked out.  Things are almost back to normal.  I guess a weekend full of family, cooking, Dane Cook and toddlers eating too much candy is meant to be exhausting. 

May you be filled with the holiday spirit this season.

Trying to be there as I searched for the bridge
Being there while my body broke down
“I won’t tell em your name”
Alarm set for 11:10 p.m.
The silent treatment
Friday night movies
Love at first sight
The Dreaming Tree
Lying by omission
Christmas cards
Lobster pasta
Mountain Dew
Laugh lines
Phone cards
Good enough
Motorcycles
Normal Life
PF Chang’s
Our couch
Fark Par
Prescott
Haircuts
Dot com
Lenny’s
Steve
Jacob
Jesus
Risk
Dell
5528
FYYB
Pete
Over.

When there’s nothing much to defend
It’s a lost fight
It’s a lost fight

Cause when I talk to you on the phone
Well, it’s just like being alone
It’s not half right
It’s not half right
- Heatmiser

I tried all day to come up with words of my own.  They didn’t justify it.  I searched half the night for someone else’s words.  None fit.  All of it, everything, is just half right.

I didn’t hurt anyone today.  I scored a hundred dollar Target gift card/suck up gift because of a fight I got into with our travel agent two weeks ago, so don’t you try telling me that shouting gets you no where.

I also met a cutie in a tie, and that’s good. 

And then I came home and threw back a beer to commemorate the totally SHITTY email I got.

Hell, you can’t win them all.  I have friends that listen when they can and boys that walk me to my car.  I’m doing okay.

I can not wait for December to be OVER! 

First, Christmas?  Suck it.  Gah, I am so over Christmas.  I was dragged to the mall today, and that was dangerous business.  I have blisters and my wallet is lighter but I am one present away from being done.  Done.

Second, why are half the people I know more busy in December?  I’ll meet you guys in January.

Third, holy jesus is it cold out here.  This is AZ damn it!  I do not want to layer!

Fourth, my intoxication vacation has ended.  Ok, there wasn’t really much intoxication as people kept making me leave my house.  I make no guarantees about my mental status as I return to work tomorrow.  But it was good to have time off, to do nothing, to get stuff done, and to stay out until five a.m. for no reason other then I can.

We’re over the hump, last week of December should be a good time.  Between birthdays and New Years we have lots of reasons to set fires.

As you can see I don’t have much to say.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll take stock on this little vacation adventure and see if it worked.  For now all that mall air has cleaned me out.

Girls and I are in the parking lot after dinner sitting in the car waiting for Lindsey to buckle in Zach and then get in.  So I see a man walking up the driver’s side in my rearview mirror.  I immediately begin chanting “stranger danger, stranger danger” because, you know, I’m good with the public.  OF COURSE he stops at my car and demands I roll the window down. 

If Lindsey hadn’t still been outside of the car I would have locked the doors and driven away, I don’t do small talk with strangers.  If I had I would have missed his sob story about his parents in Laughlin, his kids at home, his broken down truck and needing money.  I actually gave S.D. three dollars and was in the middle of saying I’m sorry I didn’t have what he needed, but we’re poor.  Before I can even get it out S.D. is looking around me to Shannon and when she says she has no cash he just runs off.  Runs off!  No “thank you” or kind words, nothing!

So, Stranger Danger, you’re an asshole.  I hope you’re freezing your ass off in that parking lot still.  And I hope the fact that we screamed some choice words at you for running off like that hindered your getting more money from good people.  People like you are why I never, ever give money out on the street. 

And now I have to go train my mother on face removal.  For her new stereo.  But thanks to the jerk that stole the last one for leaving your cross (!!!) in her car.  I’m sure you are rocking awesome at the god thing and are totally missing it.  You should be more careful of your accessories while you steal.  Tsk.  Tsk.

He arrived on my birthday, weighing in at 4.8 ounces and just over 4 inches long.

Whether or not to replace my mp3 player wasn’t really a question.  Have you met me, I need music to breathe.  So I did about an hour of comparison shopping that night, and chose the newest member of our family.The hard part was what to engrave him.  My gut reaction was “Suck It!” but the Mom put the brakes on that one, even though she found it amusing.

Next thought was “I spread the clap” considering the fate of anyone who looks at my mp3 player with a criminal eye.

Lindsey and I went through several rounds, including “Hooker say what?” and “When did I eat corn?”

Next stop was some of my favorite song lyrics, and I had nearly settled on “Are you happy where you’re standing still?” from Jimmy Eat World.

But I went with this, also lyrics from one of my favorite J.E.W. songs, Polaris.

I don’t care if you’re young or old, you have to have more of a black heart then me to not love this little one.