It was a bit humid today.  Maybe a promise of weather??  The clouds on the horizon and the nice breeze demanded that I spend some time outside.  Either I do something productive or I sit on the porch and chain smoke, and who has time for that?

So, I decided to clean the truck, for two hours.  I was told in no uncertain terms in December that I needed to wash Truck.  It hasn’t been washed since May ‘05.  What?  Washing cars is stupid.  The only reason I washed it in May was because “Jeffrey” had been inscribed on the hood since February.

I gave up when everything started falling apart.  I lost (when I threw it out of the car thinking it was junk) the piece I desperately needed to fix the garage door opener.  I was getting itchy (from the dust of going through the vacuum bag looking for the missing piece).  I can’t find any tools to take my dash apart next weekend.  I’m done.  Knowing that I have the battle of the year coming when I try to fix my stereo I decided to throw in the towel before I’d even picked one up.

So it’s still dirty on the outside.  Eh, no big deal, tan is a nice color.  The inside is done.  Now my pregnant girlfriend at work and I can cruise to the Sizzler without her contracting Hepatitis or something.

Came inside to catch up on things when Killer the Bulimic Princess started leaving piles all over the carpet. When she climbed onto the desk to make a deposit right in front of my face I was once again, done.

If you need me I’ll be out on the porch, chain smoking with a beer.

Breath is cool on my neck but I still keep a bare leg hooked outside the covers.  Sun is up before I get into the building and there is earnest talk of rain on the horizon.  It’s almost too warm to do the solitary lunch in the truck.  Jackets and scarves, if only decorative, will soon be packed away.

New season is coming, but my feet will still be cold.

I keep waiting for the day I’m going to wake up and feel better.  The time that I take a deep breath and my head is clear, my heart doesn’t hurt, my lungs aren’t burning.

It doesn’t seem to be coming.

Yeah, it’s been quiet around here.  I’ve been holed up on my couch for the last week drowning in my own face.  I have watched way, way more MTV then any person my age should.  I’ve taken a nap every day for the last seven days.  I don’t eat, I don’t talk to anyone, and I haven’t even read a book.  It’s like I’m in high school all over again.

Finally went to the doctor today.  He was shocked (and a little pissy) that I haven’t been to the doctor in uuuhhh… well the last time I saw him in 2003.  Doctors freak me out.  Today is the first time I haven’t had high blood pressure in his office, and that’s only because it has been a struggle to breathe for a week so I was too tired to have a panic attack.

So he poked around for a bit and gave me drugs.  My nose should stop producing a gallon of yuck every hour and my ear shouldn’t be squealing like a stuck pig every time I attempt to breathe.  That’s my goal any way.  I think his goal was to make me feel guilty for avoiding the medical community.

He didn’t bitch about the smoking or the 15 pounds I gained last year*.  He did, however, insist I schedule a Well Woman’s Exam** so I am being punished.  Fucking karma.

*I may have left the cigarettes in the car and forgot to mention it.  And also the UTI’s and broken bones.  I may have also just snorted when he mentioned my weight was stable.  As far as he can tell I’ve lost 10 pounds since the last time he saw me.
**Doctor’s code for “Get naked and let me peer at your vagina.”

Two! Two surprise parties in one day. I haven’t been to a surprise party in years.

First up was a surprise baby shower for Jessica. It was fun, party games and cake and a beautiful pregnant woman.

And then we jumped out from behind the wall to scare the shit out of Tim for his upcoming birthday. Dude, maybe you should check who has keys to your house!

This party also had party games (Asshole) and (bite sized cup)cakes. But it was lacking in pregnant ladies.

John is pinkie swears and morning phone calls.  Remembering things I don’t, and I remember everything.  Ending nights with the acoustic guitar and sitting on the window sill to smoke the last cigarette.  Trying to teach me trust and faith even though it seems impossible, and believing when I can’t that I’m not going to die alone.

Jeffy walks me to my car, kisses me on the forehead when I’m losing my shit, and throws keys when I’m being a bitch.  He listens but will not tolerate my insane side.  Most of all we crack up, all the time.  He makes me laugh with a single word and I can shoot him a glance and get that smile every time.

Kevin has been there through every battle, and never takes sides.  He knows when to call every day and when to leave me alone, without me ever having to say a word.  Random afternoon phone calls, comedy dvds, and Chinese food.  The most stable, loving and loyal person I know.

These three boys remind me every day that there are nice guys out there, and if I forget I’m sure any of them would happily slap it back into my head.

I couldn’t have been happier the morning I randomly checked your website and saw you were getting married!!  I sat at my desk and marveled at how glad I was that the internet has kept us in touch.  I called my best friend to share the news.  And how perfect that I find out from some code!!!  Maybe I’ll send you a microwave to celebrate.</lies>

I felt like that stupid flat screen had reached out and punched me in the ear.  I had to leave my desk and talk to my best friend to let him know I now understood how he felt that Christmas Eve.  Even though my hysteria came from not being told, and I didn’t have the luxury of beer or a live-in best friend to hide the weapons.

Finding out from code?  How fitting for us.  Ten years, two cross country moves and (what I thought was) an amicable break up later and we can’t communicate at all.  The fact that I can’t call you to ask for my favorite movie back, or the song that I lost, that it takes html for us to know what’s even going on with each other.  Yeah, this is what I had always envisioned for our friendship.

Thanks for reminding me I that didn’t make a mistake.  Don’t hold your breath for the microwave.

It’s “Singles Awareness Day” and I couldn’t care less. This day means nothing to me, single or married, or anything in between. You can’t go out to dinner and these idiots pop up on every street corner.

Boys? Should you ever decide you have to give me a gift, steer clear of anything wrapped in cellophane. Thanks.

I have had one awesome Valentine date, in 1999. We went to see two $1 movies and split a tiny cheese pizza. We had a blast.

My worst Valentine’s day was probably 2005. Trudging through a filthy warehouse for three hours, I didn’t even remember it was VD until very late in the day. And I didn’t even know what that day would end up meaning!

So since this is a holiday for the birds, I came home and scrubbed bird dookie off the spa deck. It was fitting. My Valentine this year was one of my boys in Florida. We didn’t have to get each other anything, I just promised to me nice to him. During our conversation yesterday about whether I needed a Valentine he told me to remember I’m too young to have everything figured out. This certainly can’t be me having everything figured out so I’m inclined to agree with him. He called today and said he was thinking about it yesterday in the car, and he doesn’t think he has it figured out either. He made me laugh and he thinks I’m nice, he was a perfect Valentine this year.

I always thought getting to know someone was supposed to be nothing but fun.  I was wrong, it’s hard when your heart is closed and no one gets in.  It’s nerve racking and sometimes tedious.  You have to remember details.  You try not to subject perfect strangers to your vast vocabulary of curse words, to your ability to make anything sexual innuendo.  It’s work trying to stay “safe” and when you have no ability to lie and the smallest brain-to-mouth filter ever created.

But then you get the moments that make your breath catch, make you grin for no reason.  Your stomach jumps and it makes the hard part so worth it.

As we stumbled out of the apartment at 6 a.m. she said “It’s been a long time since I have stayed up this late!”  I muttered that I wish I could say the same.  She said she didn’t want to come to the party, and I said I had actually turned around at the door and walked halfway back to the truck before I’d talked myself into it.  I wasn’t in the mood to drink, or have the same old conversations, and I’m never in the mood to talk to strangers any more.

But this night ended differently then every other night I’ve stayed up until dawn.  This one ended with two complete strangers, and some of the best conversation I’ve ever had.  Where I think all three of us were honest, and I certainly learned a little more about human nature.

I needed a night like this to prove I can still do it, and that I still want to.