I’m so tired of feeling like I’m alone. I shouldn’t feel this way, no one in this generation is supposed to feel like they need a relationship to be complete. And I don’t feel that way, 98% of the time I am so happy alone. And I don’t want a boyfriend to fix this, but I’m missing something. I shouldn’t feel this way when I have a great group of friends, best friends that love me, family that I can count on.
But it was only a matter of time until I sat back and looked at my life situations and realized, I’m the only one without another person devoted to me. I have very few single friends. Everyone is in a relationship or has kids, has someone else that knows them better then I do. Every now and then, like tonight, this gets thrown in my face. And it burns. I miss having someone else in this world that shares everything with me.
Every where I go, every person that I’m with, I always feel like the third wheel. And most of the time it’s not them making me feel this way. It becomes obvious when they go home to their boyfriends/girlfriends, to their kids, to their best friends. When everyone has someone else to talk to before they go to sleep, to trudge through this life with.
If I understood why maybe I could handle it. If I wasn’t happy alone most of the time maybe I would fight it, maybe I would figure out what’s wrong with me. Maybe that’s changing. In a room full of people that I adore, why do I feel so lonely? Why don’t I have anyone to talk to about this? Did I shut down again, or is this just a coincidence? My instinct is to hole up and try and work this out in my head, fix myself so that someone can love me. Is that instinct what’s keeping me away from having people in my life that I can trust? Should I be searching for… something? I desperately want to know what is wrong with me, and if nothing is wrong I need the strength to see that.