I need someone to talk to.  The universe is trying to tell me something and I need a sounding board.  On Sunday I attempted to explain to someone why I am so busy.  That I have a huge family, and groups of friends, and bands.  There’s always some birthday, baby shower, wedding, some show.  Every week there are so many things that I have to do, people that I have to see.

So why can I go through my phone book twice today searching for someone to bounce ideas off and come up empty each time?  It pains me to say this, but welcome to having a black heart.  I think even those who don’t believe that I have one saw me exhibit classic black heart behavior yesterday.  For a brief time I felt hope.  Hope is a good thing right?  Why is my reaction to get nauseous, jump around, and I’m pretty sure there was some cursing?  I was completely thrown for a loop, and I flipped out.

By this morning I had squashed all the hope, and I’ve been in “a mood” all day.  I got lost in thought while at my desk, and I so rarely do that.  When I snapped back to reality my eyes settled on a fortune stuck on the wall.  I tend to keep all the fortunes because they are funny, or because I hope some day they will be true.  Perhaps this is not a healthy thing, placing so much stock in a piece of paper stuffed inside a cookie.  But that fortune prompted a feverish bout of writing, and I honestly couldn’t tell you, just a few hours later, what I said.

Then someone sent me a text message of the fortune they got today, she said it applied more to me with what’s going on.  Okay Universe, I’m paying attention.  But I’m missing all the signs until after the fact.  It’s not until I’m relaying the story to another person that all the bits and pieces fall into place in my brain.  Several times over the last few days I swear you could have heard the *click* if you were standing next to me.  Then you get to watch me cringe in horror as I realize what I should have known all along.

I feel like an idiot for letting myself feel hope.  And that’s why I’ll probably never talk to anyone about that situation again.  I know that I’m blind to so much, maybe if I worked it out, talked to someone about it, I could see it in a clearer light.  I’m back to the train of thought where I started, but because I flip flopped it’s no longer comfortable.  But right now, for the time being, I keep telling myself to forget about hope.  It’s “safer” for me to forget about the chance, to settle into what I already thought I knew.  But if enough information was presented to make me to change my mind, even for a few hours, do I have to explore that opportunity?  Which one is the right thing to do?  What do you want Universe?  Do what I always do, take risks, forget about the whole damn thing?

I have no fucking clue.