Note to self: 1 am is not an acceptable bedtime. This has been tested numerous times and the results do no vary: the next day is all blah. I’d rather be cranky then blah. Additionally, we’ve talked about this caffeine thing before. So, when you spilled a full can of Dr. Pepper all over the truck on the way to work this morning consider it your karma bitch slap.

How do I make myself forget every year that it’s like living under a broiler here? Every June I step out one day and am amazed that it can actually be this hot.  This day always reminds that I never planned to live here my whole life.

Am I a sucker? Today when I was accused twice of losing things I just took it. First of all, I don’t lose things. Second of all, a year ago this would have never happened. What has changed that I am suddenly the scapegoat for everything that occurs in this department? Is it because I have been here the longest and am the only one that knows anything? Am I actually being expected to have my fingers and watchful eyes all over every single project? Even after you try to tell me I’m “just a receptionist,” which was highly amusing, since see that girl over there? The one that answers the phone and does the filing and all of the other tasks with zero responsibility? She’s the receptionist you monkey. Why aren’t I fighting back? Why do I have so much hope?

Am I ever going to stop writing about my job?  Maybe once I admit that _____ ______ __ ___ ___ ________ ____ _ __________ deserve __ ____ _______ __ my attitude.  Secrets, aren’t they fabulous?  (I wouldn’t even try to decipher that if I were you.  I just wrote it and I can’t remember what it says.  Save your time.)

Names I’ve been called today:
Sharron, it’s my stupid accent when I answer the phone.
Kiddo.
Jenny, by two different boys who are pretty much the only ones that get away with that.
Jenn. There’s only one N you monkey.
Argaaaa - my niece who is oh so perky in the morning and helped me do my makeup. Sweetheart.
Jen Jen

Actually in an email I received today: “Monday June 5,2006 from 1:too-3:too pm.” Who writes times like that?  Twice? Idiots, that’s who.

I opened a fortune cookie yesterday that had been waiting for me since the last time I had  chinese food. It said “There is a gradual improvement.  Feelings are sweet and tender.”  There’s not a person in my life that I feel sweet and tender about. My love is all fierce and blinding and hardcore for you people. So, that would be interesting.

Before you think I’m some kind of believer in that crap, here is part of my horoscope for today: “Today’s aspect at play could encourage you to be argumentative, perhaps for the fun of it. This is not your usual style.”
Right… I’m certainly never argumentative… on Tuesdays between the hours of 3 and 4 am maybe.

Tatum had her one year check up today.  Doc said that she should be off the bottle and sleeping through the night.  Uh… dude?  Not quite.  He said that if she wakes up in the middle of the night that she should get only water.  So I’m expecting to reach Terror Level 6 (Duck and Cover) around these parts tonight when that baby gets offered water.

Edited to add:  I was right, we have one severely pissed off baby on our hands.  We also have her Mommy passed out on the couch because she has been hurling her brains out all day with some type of bug.  And finally, at 1 am we have me laughing my ass off, including the snort, due to the horrible timing of this:

I don’t know where I’d be if I couldn’t see the funny amidst all the suck.

I know I owe y’all a month in review post for May.  I’m working on this, promise.  I’ll attack it tomorrow.

I know I owe y’all a post that isn’t so… depressing?  Introspective?  Scary?  I’m getting there, I promise.  Had long talks with the sister in the spa tonight, and we definitely covered many topics that are interesting, but may never be hashed out completely.  Basically: family is hard, boys are confusing, your past affects you in strange ways, and tempers are difficult to understand.

I know I should be posting more often.  Not for you necessarily, but for me.  Many things rumbling around in this head of mine.  I’m too busy, what do they call it?  Living the content.

I also owe you a post where I’m not under the influence of bloody marys or Captain, as I have been for the last two.  This would not be that post.

I had a bad day.  The thing about being happy is I notice the things that are bull shit in my life with more clarity.  The way I’m perceived at work?  Total bull shit.

When a woman stands at my desk and actually screams at me… it’s not something I can ignore.  I can bottle up my feelings like it’s an Olympic sport.  But, you test my temper, I can’t ignore that.  I can’t ignore that this is the closest I have ever come to throwing down my keys and walking out of that office.  That’s saying something when my best friends have been trying to talk me into leaving this job for a year now.  The day I start losing my temper?  Over a job?  I’m done.  There isn’t enough energy in this life to justify that.  Luck (or a curse, and I guess we won’t know till this job is said and done) brought a phone call at the exact instant that I was about to lose it on her.  So today, I still have a job. 

But today I spent the last three hours of work on edge, with a red face and quaking hands.  What could have been a weekend lost has started off correctly.  Two weeks ago I got a blow at work that I’m still sitting on.  For the first time since the break up I have kept a secret from every single person that I know.  Do I have to explain how monumental that is for me?  That I haven’t told a soul on this earth what happened to me two weeks ago?  I haven’t kept a single thing a secret since I moved back here.  I post personal things on the internet, heaven knows I’m not a secret keeper.

I came home and napped with both my kitties by my side.  I drank bloody marys and then primped with my sister.  I went to a bar where my friends were playing and had conversation and story telling with my sis and her new boyfriend.  I met up with my best friend and got flowers from a boy.  I chugged a Long Island Iced Tea and heard the perfect songs in the car.  I came home and blogged with my eyes closed while intoxicated.  I let go of what happened at work, and had a great night.

I wish there wasn’t this duality in my life.  I wish the hours I spend at work every week weren’t a complete 180 from what I am in my off time.  If you could see me at work you wouldn’t recognize me.  You don’t believe me when I say I’m not friendly, that I’m at times a meanie.  If you saw me at work, you would believe.  It’s the way they perceive me, and maybe that makes it true.

I need to decide how much this bothers me.  Am I going to allow myself to be a completely different person at work?  Am I going to allow myself to be stand offish because I know that I do it to protect myself?  Is the person I am at work really me, because if she’s not then this has to stop.

I don’t know how to begin to figure all of this out, but I can’t ignore it.