Whoever thought it was a good idea to put William Shatner on a television program that encourages him to dance should be shot.

Where’s the damn remote?  Also, it might be time for me to leave my house.  Just a thought.

Alright, let’s get this over with.  This review is 70+ days late and I’m not even going to pretend that I remember what the hell went on in August.  Here’s what I remember, I hurt my back and spent two weeks writhing in pain on my couch, not so interesting.  Then I went on a cross country trek to bring my best friend back to AZ, mildly interesting.  So, we’ll just call this the “Road Trip” edition of our Month in Reviews.

Good Stuff:  I have to say, the ENTIRE trip was good.  Considering how worried I was about it, I couldn’t have asked for anything more.  A perfect blend of relaxing, sight seeing, and driving.

Do anything this month I’d never done before?
This is a good place to start.  The whole trip was filled with things I had never done before, and all in states I’d never been in before.

Day One:  Luckily we were only in VA an hour before crossing into to West Virginia, because I was a bit freaked out being in my old home state.  That drive was the first time I had heard anyone’s grandparents tell stories about the mob!

We headed to Jeff’s aunt and uncle’s house, and it was definitely the first time I wasn’t nervous meeting someone’s family, everyone I’ve met so far has been awesome.  We sat in a screened in porch and they told stories about the boys as children.  The wind kicked up sending leaves swirling, and I had the first moment on the trip that I knew I would never forget.  Then his family got us drunk.  Really, really drunk.

I had a blast with them, but was glad to get back to his Grandma’s awesome house and sit on the porch with a beer and many cigarettes and pepper the boy with questions.

I could have stayed out there all night, he’d been gone a month and I had to determine if he was really ok.  Finally the rain led us to call it a (semi) early night, which is definitely a first for us!

Day Two:  We woke up at a decent hour and sat on the couch surrounded by every map we could find in the house.  Begrudgingly we decided to head out the next day.  We explored West Virginia the rest of the day.

We hiked through two caves, and I only I fell down one flight of stairs!  We drove fast through the mountain roads, and at the last minute decided to hit the state fair.  We went on our first Ferris Wheel ride.

He talked me into shooting a gun, which is very unlike me.  Jeff and I cooked dinner together for the first time for his Grandma, and she told us more stories about the family.

We ended the night again on the porch, wishing it wasn’t cloudy so we could see the stars, and I spotted my first firefly since the last time I went to Ocracoke, NC.  Today also held the first time of many that one of us made fun of the other for talking with an accent.  “Grandma!  Jen’s been here for two days and she’s already talkin’ like Aunt Patty!”  The best part was, he yelled it across the house in a southern accent! 

Day Three:   Woke up, showered and then the three of us drove into town.  Took care of some business, returned phone calls while we briefly had phone service and then we hit the road.

The plan was to blaze through West Virginia, Kentucky, Indiana, and Illinois and get to St. Louis in time to hit some bars.  We made good time through the first two states, and then got pulled over for speeding for the first time in Indiana.  Jeff got a ticket, so we tried to be a bit more careful.

It was after ten at night, some where in southern Illinois when we first deviated from our very loose plan.  By a spectacular error in his math Jeff decided that Chicago was only slightly further then our original destination of St. Louis.  By the time we realized how very wrong his math was we were too set on the idea of seeing Chicago, and we had already found a free place to crash.  So, Chicago it was!

Jeff lets me drive for the first time so he can navigate us through the city, and he can play with the camera.  Then he experiences for the first time my driving panic attacks.  Chicago drivers are scary, even at two in the morning!  He managed to keep me laughing through the kamikaze drivers and construction and we hit the sack exhausted.

Day Four:  Up and out the door with a list of things to see.  We rode the train (First time for both of us!) into the city and walked up the stairs into the coolest downtown I have ever seen.

Get to Sears Tower just before the rush.  We stand on the railing with our foreheads on the glass and stare straight down to the street.  My ears popped in the elevator like nothing I have ever experienced.

This picture is too dark but we both just look like such giddy dorks.

One of my favorite moments in Chicago was after we left Sears Tower, we sat on a patio below the building over looking the water for almost an hour just enjoying how perfect the weather was.  I could have sat there all day.  But we had been given a list of “must see” places and spotted a water taxi headed straight to Navy Pier, our next destination.  We wandered the pier and started the drinking.

We decided to treat ourselves (Um, we never do that.) and have a nice dinner in the best restaurant we could find.  He actually talked me into trying oysters.

Only after I threw back the first one did I realize they are raw, but very yummy.  We bought our first, and last pack of cigarettes in Cook County, how the hell can people afford to smoke there?  Then we took the train down to see the end of the Cubs game.  Why not?  We got in our first argument of the trip, but recovered quickly and hit several bars.

I don’t remember much of this night after the ball game (Har, har.) but do remember having a glaringly serious conversation, the first really serious conversation we’d ever had on that particular topic.  Because we were intoxicated and giddy on adventure we decided to get off the Red Line in the middle of downtown so we could see the buildings at night.

Day Five:  We were still up pretty early with the intention of hitting the Field Museum and the aquarium, then heading out of town to St. Louis.  That plan was scrapped by the time we ate breakfast and heard they have fireworks at Navy Pier on Wednesdays.  We know of my love for all things firework related, and I think Jeff needed any excuse to stay in Chicago a little longer.

We wandered through the museum until they literally threw us out at closing.

Then we took another perfectly placed water taxi over to the Pier and hung out until the fireworks started.

We rode our second Ferris Wheel while on the Pier.  It was a long walk back to the train on very tired feet.  We got back to the place we were staying planning to jump in the truck and head out.  You see how our plans have gone thus far?  A blue car had blocked our truck in, we were stuck.  I fell down another couple steps for good measure and then I lost my shit.  So Jeff got to see me cry while I wasn’t intoxicated for the first time ever.  He was freaked, I was just so ready to leave, I really didn’t want to spend another night in the loudest apartment ever created, even if it was free, and I was sick of falling down stairs!  Jeff lured me upstairs with a beer and cigarettes, and we sat on the porch as it started to rain.  Just when we were a little too buzzed and tired to even consider the five hour drive to St. Louis the blue car unblocked us.  We settled in for the last night in that loud apartment, made even more unbearable by a huge thunderstorm.  I don’t like thunderstorms, but for the first time was able to sleep through one just from pure exhaustion.

Day Six:  We woke up bright and early to another car blocking us in.

Luckily the spot next to us was open and the boy worked some thousand point turn magic while I stood in the rain vaguely directing him.  Despite our rough last night, I was sad to say goodbye to Chicago, we had an excellent time there.  We made blazing good time to St. Louis.  The plan:  hit the arch, find a cushy hotel with an excellent pool, shower and then commence the drinking.  We should have known that anything we planned at this point was bound to be thrown out the window.  We did the Arch.

Then we made our first navigation mistake when we somehow got stuck on a road with a bridge too low for us to make it under.

So, more three point turns.

We were tired and dirty and starting to annoy each other, but St. Louis seemed a bit run down, so we just decided to keep driving west.  We stopped for dinner at White Castle because I had never had it.  I was not impressed.  Yech.  We tried to stay at a casino we found along the way, but when they were booked we just crashed at the next place we found, in Boonville, MO.  Only sights we saw in Boonville was the hot tub for our angry muscles.

Day Seven:  The boy still hadn’t learned how to wake me up properly (Hint:  Not by yelling, flicking, or throwing a water bottle at me.) and we get into a tiff about cereal or something, first thing in the morning.  We were running late and it’s pouring rain, we’re off to an excellent start.  We hate each other all the way across Missouri, which is new for us.  We spend most of Kansas trying to avoid horrible weather and complaining about how flat it is.

I think this is the first time he indulged my picture taking, sunflowers in CO.

We started counting cows in Colorado (He won, because he’s a cheater.) and didn’t take any major highways in the whole state.

Sometime around 11 p.m. he demands that I take a half hour nap so I can drive for a while.  I wake up over an hour later feeling like I’ve had horrible dreams.  Turns out we drove up and then back down the Rockies, which we didn’t expect because we didn’t think to check the map for huge fucking mountain ranges.  He let me sleep through it so I wouldn’t freak out.  Good call.

Day Eight:  We’d just crossed into Arizona after midnight.  We switch places, Jeff letting me drive for only the second time on the trip!  I make good time through most of the reservation until I, too, get pulled over.  Damn it.  I smacked Jeff to wake him up.  I should have let him sleep because we spent the entire traffic stop trying to control our laughter.  The last place I want to get involved with the cops is on an Indian Reservation, they have their own rules up there!  The first thing the cop asks is if we have drugs in the truck.  This makes me laugh out loud and I tell him that we picked the truck up from Jeff’s Grandmother, so no.  He presses on to make sure we don’t have bombs or illegal aliens either.  For the first time in years I kept my smart ass mouth in check and didn’t say anything else until he walked back to his car.

Hell, if we had illegal aliens back there they would be hungry by now!  We laughed the whole time we thought he was back there writing me a ticket, but Jeff stopped laughing when I got off with only a warning and permission to go ten miles over the limit, “That’s not fair!!  It’s because you’re cuter!”  It’s not my fault he got a ticket and I didn’t, I was just excited for getting out of a ticket for the first time!  I got us to Flagstaff where I decided it was a good idea to switch drivers.  I had spotted a horse standing on the open bed of a semi truck and was very concerned for it’s, and our, safety right up until I realized it was a statue.  Yeah, time for me to nap.  Jeff actually let me sleep all the way into town, and finally, on the last day of the trip learned how to wake me up.

The fam at the house did most of the unpacking.  We’d been in the truck for 24 hours straight, I’d never done that before.  We passed out cold before even eating breakfast.

Coolest unexpected night:  Would have to be the first night in Chicago.  First of all, we didn’t even plan to go to Chicago, ya know, seeing how it wasn’t on the way!  Then, on the waiter’s suggestion, we took the train down to watch the Cubs.   (I know, me at a sporting event, amazing.)  We ended up in three (Four?  I have no idea I was slightly intoxicated) bars in the area trying new beers and stand by shots.  Finally we rode the Blue Line back to the apartment we were staying at.  I couldn’t have predicted any of that.

Weirdest night:  Well, that would still be the first night in Chicago.  It’s weird that the most romantic meal I’ve ever eaten was with my best friend.  It was the nicest restaurant I had ever been in, and certainly the most I had ever spent on a meal!  To follow up our strange meal we got in our only “actual” fight at the baseball game that was resolved when he poured two beers down my throat and agreed that next time homeless men are hassling us he would not tell them I was carrying all of our money.

Proud of:  Jeff.  By the time we finished walking around the Gateway Arch in St. Louis we were a bit sick of each other.  A nasty combination of little sleep the night before, no shower that morning, and being sore had made the day a little bitchy.  Just before this I think I had flipped him the bird and hobbled away on my busted up foot towards the truck.  Not only did he catch up, but he passed me, it’s probably a lot easier to keep up pace when you haven’t fallen down two flights of stairs!  He beat me across the park and this parking garage, and even though we had been snipping at each other he stood in that elevator and held the door open for me while I gimped my ass across that parking garage.

This is why I won’t even look at guys that aren’t gentlemen, because my best friends are.

Violent Much?  “I might be bringing your boy home in a body bag if he doesn’t chill out”  I sent this text to John when Jeff and I hit our “rough patch” on the trip. 

Best advice:  Came from John when I sent him that text while driving across Missouri.  He told me we both needed to put on our separate iPods and ignore each other.  And we did.

Song Lyric of the Month:  I took our advantage of our “alone time” by cranking Jimmy Eat World all the way across that miserable state.  JEW is simply excellent road trip music, and it was calming.  By the time I got through “Just Watch the Fireworks” I was over fighting with the boy.  The line “I promised I’d see this with you now” struck me hard, I did promise I’d see this trip through with him, expecting it to be very difficult.  And it wasn’t difficult at all, we were just cranky and comfortable enough together to take it out on each other.

By the time we crossed the border into Kansas and had to start re-navigating to avoid the horrible storms on the horizon Jeff and I were back to good.  We spent the next eight hours driving with the radio off, chatting, laughing, and counting cows.

Music:  Even with TWO iPods I was sick off all music by the time we got back home.  We listened to a lot of our standbys, Papa Roach, Yellowcard, For the Record.  He even let me play “girly” music for a while, Angels and Airwaves, and Jimmy Eat World.  We burned through 14 AAA batteries in 8 days for the FM transmitter, and I can’t imagine spending that much time in the truck before the invention of music. 

Song of the Month:  “Devil Went Down to Georgia” by Charlie Daniels Band.  We were racing through the mountains in West Virginia, it was dark and the song just fit.  And, I was very impressed that Jeff knew all of the words.

Most awkward conversation:  Somewhere in Kansas and my Mom calls to check in.  She had been with Lindsey when I sent Lindsey a text saying “Now it’s two against one, but I’m not sure who’s side alien baby is on.”  The entire time my Mom and I are talking about alien baby Jeff is looking at me out of the corner of his eye making it clear that he has no clue what is going on, and is a little frightened.  I suddenly remembered I had never explained to him exactly what “alien baby” was.  But, he watched me walk out of a gas station that morning with a sack full of Midol and donuts and a chocolate milkshake in the other hand.  I rarely eat sweets so he should have been able to figure that one out on his own.

Any mileposts?  Well, if you want to be technical, Jeff and I passed over 2,700 mileposts in that cramped truck.  Not only that, but we both lived through our first vacation together, which is the true milepost.

Favorite Party buds:  Because I had seriously screwed my back up, by closing a door at work, apparently I am delicate, I spent most of the month on a heating pad on my couch, so there was no partying before I flew out to start this whirlwind trip.  Even so, Jeff still would have won this category, we have a blast when we’re just sitting next to each other on the couch, let alone drinking across middle America.  He fed me what he now claims was $90 worth of liquor during our pub crawl after the baseball game, and then sobered up so he could navigate the trains to get us home, but the best part was waking up to a purse full of peanuts, his calling card.

I can’t say enough about spending eight days of freedom with your best friend, but I will say that it was good to be back in Phoenix again.  We spent our first night in the valley at our regular bar, and I was happy to be see these guys.

Quotes of the Month:  “I have to drive the train.”  Jeff, ever responsible, making me take shots alone so he could get us back across town in Chicago.

I can’t remember who started it, but Jeff and I both said “No bueno” quite frequently while traversing the mountains in the pitch black darkness of Colorado.  Even better is the fact that it kept coming out in the West Virginia accents we’d picked up.

Runner up, my coworker who said “Gracias, mi amiga.” after I helped him out with something.  He then added, “That means thank you very much… white girl.” which hasn’t failed to make me laugh since.

Where most of my money went:  Not surprisingly, I spent the most money on getting Jeff home.  It was cheaper then I expected, we only ate at one good restaurant, and only had to spend one night in a hotel.  It was a chunk of change, but worth every penny to see several new states and get the boy back to Arizona.

Best text messages received:
Suck donkey butt. My right shoe has fallen apart. I’m literally holding it together with pins. Suck ass!
Thank u sweety! I owe u lunch
There u go talking about spots again!
I cant take these boys
I broke the law and trespassed and then fell down and skinned my knee hopping the fence. I so couldn’t be a criminal
Man gravy
No patch. Sorry dude. Just eye drops. No pirate today
Ppl in virginia talk funny
I am drunk give me a break
(?forU) Do U want me back?
R u all packed liquid free hahaha
I have 2 pee
How do u speed in a u haul
What! You are going to shoot a gun? I’ll believe it when I see it. How fun to be at Wrigley stadium

Strangest text messages I sent:
Leave it to Jeff to get me back in Virginia… oh boy.
I did not hurl at the gas station now I just have to make it home
Back on heating pad like an old woman
I am craving texas roadhouse like the dirty fiend addict that I am. I had dreams about it!
Fucker. You know I’m stuck at a desk you tease! Tease!
We’re at the roadhouse throwing peanuts at each other and I miss you. I wish I was coming tomorrow
I am shit faced drunk in west virginia. Fun.
You’re welcome. You’re also allowed to talk to me

That Was Dumb:  I overslept and woke up at the exact time that I was supposed to be across town at my best friends’ house.  I sent both of them the same text.  “I’m late.  Just woke up, leaving soon.  Sorry.”  John calls me almost immediately after I send the text.  I’m on the phone with him just long enough to determine that he is freaking out when Jeff sends me a text, “What??”  Now I know something is amiss, Jeff never uses punctuation in text.  Just when I start to wonder what the hell is going on over there I am able to decipher what John is wigging out about.  Apparently, you should never send a text to your two male best friends starting with “I’m late.”  They will assume you are knocked up and freak the fuck out.

Sorry boys.

Most Random IM conversation:
Brigette:  that aint no shit
Jen:  that is the most ghetto thing you have ever said to me

Gratuitous kid pic:  I know there is a special place in hell for me because I drew eyebrows on my nephew.

But!  It was Lindsey’s comment about him lacking eyebrows, and Shannon not only gave permission but assisted, so they’re going down with me!

Worst Pick Up Line:  First night I meet this boy, who is now a friend, he turns to me and says “I’m sorry, did you just say you wanted to make out?”  No, no I didn’t.  And I don’t.

Weird Compliments:  “You have the most beautiful breasts.”  Avoided that guy like the plague for the rest of the night, and I’m never wearing that shirt to the bar again.

Crappy Stuff:  Our first day back in town we had to find a way to get Jeff’s broken down car back to the house.  I knew it wasn’t going to be fun necessarily, but it was hell from front to back.

Starting with having to go to two locations to find the stupid dolly, to having John force me steer the car on to the dolly, and then not being able to get the car off the dolly.  I was on my way into the house to lay down with the dogs, resigning myself to the fact that Jeff’s car would forever be attached to mine, when the boys used their heads instead of boulders from the yard and figured it out.

Laugh of the Month:  Of course, they didn’t figure out how to get the car off until they tried with all their manly strength to push it off the dolly.  I had once again been forced into the car, sitting in the heat with a prime view of them both pushing their little hearts out right in front of me.  I can’t really be blamed for bursting into gut busting laughter when the car didn’t budge an inch, can I?  They weren’t pleased with my hysterical giggling at first, as I totally broke their concentration, just long enough to realize pushing was not going to work, so they joined me in laughter.

Birthdays?  Brothers and girls.

Bryon

Shaun, here with his son Sam and Dad

Charlie, with Brig’s son Jackson

Jen II

Last year:  There’s a note on my calendar on August 9, 2005 that says simply “I Quit.”  I have no clue what that’s about.

Two years ago:  Last time we went to church.

Saddest Day:  The first day I returned to work after the trip was horrendous.  I actually had to leave the building because I could not stop crying.  I think that is why it took me over two months to actually talk about this month, because it’s when I first realized I was going to have to battle depression, again.

Hair Watch 2006 Status:  It’s long, my bangs have grown out a lot.  A woman at my favorite bar declared I have karma sutra hair and should never cut it.  I don’t even know what that means.

Graph:  I decided to track who can actually make me laugh so hard that I snort.  It happens, on occasion.

This is actually close to what I would have guessed, my family is hysterically funny, and I watched a lot of funny movies in August.  Jeff probably wouldn’t normally be quite that high, but we spent more time together this month than normal.  (You should also know there is an error margin of at least 10% because I snort more while intoxicated, and I probably forgot to write those down.  I guess overall this graph means nada!)

I don’t even feel bad about lying to you about putting out an actual post today.  I am very busy trying to catch up on all the sleep that I missed out on last night.  My tummy continues to be extremely angry at me.  I’ve spent the last two days gingerly feeding it small portions of various foods trying to find the balance that will not leave me crouching on my bath tub.  So far the only thing that is keeping me off of the bathroom floor is lying very still on the couch, sipping Gatorade, and oddly enough, watching the Food Network.  I plan to continue this course of attack until I feel better, or die.  I just hope the resolution comes quickly.

I’m supposed to go out tonight, just like I was supposed to go out last night.  Last night I threw in the towel, stayed on my couch.  But tonight very well may be my last weekend night in town until December, so I’m going to force myself to get out there.

I only pray for the fellow people going to take in this rock show that I can gather the reins that control my stomach.  Seriously, the last three days have been a roller coaster from hell for my intestines.  I think I’ve given myself an ulcer or something.

*That’s what John said when I told him what kept me up until five in the morning on Friday.  Oh god, please don’t let me puke all over his show.  (Edited to add:  Oh I totally puked at his show and had to leave early.  Third time I’ve hurled in a bar, and the third time that it had NOTHING to do with alcohol.  Man, I know how to party.)

You’ve had enough of my gastrointestinal issues right?  Me too.  Tomorrow I finally post some stories from the trip that I took with this crazy kid.

It was on tap for tonight, but I need to go commune with my couch before I drag myself to the bar.

Just a picture today, and a wish that I had this many tools to figure out what is going on inside of my head.  Because, seriously?  I have no damn idea right now.

I ate some protein.

Okay, I ate a TON of protein tonight, but at least that means we don’t have to talk about this for a while.

Before the girls and I strapped in the boys and traveled in search of proteins for Aunt Jen, I had a little talk with the Biddies.  An unfortunate situation reared it’s head again this week because some people only look out for Number One.  Not surprisingly, I don’t get along with these types of people.  Because everyone in my family knows about this blog I can’t get into specifics*, just like I couldn’t last time I talked about it.  I even tried my hardest to convince myself that I was wrong about the situation, and I actually buried it.  This week when it came to the surface again I was convinced to post what I was talked into removing from my website in order to save friendships.  So, in it’s entirety, here is the only post I have ever removed from this site:

“Is it totally insane to be a little… let’s say… giddy that I was right to be thinking about that kind of stuff last night?  That I let out enough rope that two people in my life are dangerously close to getting the big shove?  That my intuition hasn’t failed me, that my worries were grounded in something real and not paranoia?

Probably.  Maybe I shouldn’t be excited about giving people the drop kick, but it’s like cleaning.  It fucking sucks and no one wants to do it, but once it’s done, well then you have a clean house.”

It’s fitting to post today because it is exactly how I feel.  I wish I’d listened to myself back then, I could have saved myself five months of trouble.  Whatever, drop and kick.

*I know, how annoying.  It’s just easier not to get into the nitty gritty here, it’s a ridiculous, stupid, high school situation that is much better not being rehashed.  It’s got a little to do with a boy, and a lot to do with someone I trusted being a lying backstabber.  Such is my life.  Enough with that, it wasn’t all drama and arguments tonight. 

I trimmed Zach’s hair again, with his Lindsey’s assistance this time.  We talked about trimming Jorden’s hair too, he’s got this sorta old man vibe going with the fuzzy stuff in the back.

When Shannon sat down with him, as I’m reaching towards his fluffy hair, scissors in hand, I made a point to remind her that I have zero experience cutting hair, that we’re just winging it here.  So, we chickened out.  That brought up the time my Mother hung me upside down from a tree to cut my hair before admitting she has no haircutting skills either.  Fifth grade was a rough hair year for me.

In keeping with our theme lately I’m here to tell you about the dream I had last night (Alright you got me, it was around noon today because I sleep late.  Geez.) and my body’s obsession with meat.

In the dream I’m babysitting the kids and I suddenly open the freezer to discover that I must have purchased half a cow at some point.  There are just packages upon packages of beef stacked up in the freezer.  People, I am dreaming about meat.  Maybe I should have taken all this free time as an opportunity to take a cooking class to learn how to cook an animal, because this is out of hand.   Apparently all the hours of Top Chef I have consumed lately have not turned me into a cook with the ability to feed even herself.  Tonight’s dream will probably be me chasing hot dogs through a field, because yum.  Hot dogs.

Any way, I attempted to satiate my inner protein fiend and made this for dinner.

It’s no big ass steak, but there’s ham and three eggs in that!  Too bad I almost lost it while watching Lost, which was so, so good.  Of course I’m back to hating them because of this hiatus they’ve decided to go on.  What kind of dealers are they, get us addicted and then disappear?

Best parts:  First, when my news station interrupted to FINALLY announce that the Democrats had taken the Senate too.  Between this, Rumsfeld and Britney Spears I don’t know how to contain myself today.  And the ending, at which I screamed “What the fuck?” so loudly I’m sure the neighbors hit the decks and commando crawled across the floor to lock the doors.

*M. Kennedy has said exactly the mantra I have been needing during this exercise.  Seriously, why am I so paranoid about putting out something crappy?  Some day I’ll look back and this will all seem crappy**, so just fuck it and write.

**I will prove this theory with that high school journal entry I mentioned, when I get the huevos rancheros to post it.

Rough day, starting with four hours of sleep and I couldn’t fall asleep again because my intestines were doing battle with something I ate yesterday.  I’ve been craving meat like a fiend lately, I just don’t eat enough protein when left to my own devices.  My body is letting it’s displeasure be known with near constant thoughts of steak and eggs and tuna.  I don’t know how to cook meat, so I live off carbs, cottage cheese, juice and ranch dressing.  Until I can get myself down to the steak house to devour a plate of meat I decided to try omelets.  I think I’m too old for Velveeta*, and I have the tummy ache to prove it.

I spent the day on my couch watching election coverage and Dirty Jobs.  I know more about geoducks then I ever cared to and I didn’t accomplish much today.  I got in one nap which was nothing but my brain running wild with dreams about earthquakes and dead bunnies.  Then I go back and take account of the little I managed to eat today and realize I had exactly zero grams of protein.  I really shouldn’t be left in charge of myself, I don’t even listen to my own body.

*I am absolutely astounded that Microsoft recognizes Velveeta as a word.  Amazing.

I don’t enjoy job hunting.  Shocking, I know.  I mean, what’s not to like?  Searching the huge city for a far off job where I will make less money then it takes to drive there, and be forced to work with people (shudder) all while attempting to write cover letters that don’t sound snarky and trying to convince HR reps that you’re a lovely person at eight in the morning.  Fabulous, bring it on!

The various job sites seem to be trying to make it easier on us poor unemployed folks.  You can now set up a search agent and have the results emailed to you.  Awesome, right?  You just enter in your requirements, like location (In my house, pants optional.), salary (If you could just pay me in cocktails that would be great.), and hours (I can totally devote six to seven hours, per week.) and it searches all the jobs.  Then all I have to do is make sure it matches my skills (Excellent alcohol tolerance, a people person (unless by people you mean most women), complete mastery of various remote controls, and, oh yeah, I can rock an Excel spreadsheet.) and hit that magic “Apply” button.

It all seems like a wonderful plan until you start getting the emails.  Something is definitely getting lost in translation when every other job has words that I don’t even understand, like “designing Printed Circuit Board layout for Semiconductor Test applications” and “must have experience with corrugated steel.”  I mean, is no one hiring a Professional Blog Reader out there?

As I feel asleep last night (After a long night of one too many free drinks, lots of dancing, and serious phone conversation at four in the morning.) I came up with the perfect thing to write about today.  Then I had a dream about ghosts.  I know it’s a combination of hoping beyond all hope that I wouldn’t dream last night combined with once again spending the evening talking about people’s wild dreams.  The last dream I need to be having is the Sex and the City girls becoming ghost whisperers one.  Creepy!  My point is I woke up so frazzled and burned out from this weekend that I completely forgot what I’m sure was the brilliant post I worked out last night (and so I laid on my couch all day).  Forgive me. 

However, this week I promise not to suck so much.  I predict a little post about August you’ve heard so much about, an explanation on why I almost tear up when I hear that AC/DC song, the most ridiculous thing I’ve come across in my job search, and maybe I’ll even throw in a bit from my high school journals (Which are all completely Cringe worthy, trust me!), and possibly a weekend recap.  Sound like a plan?  Have any other requests, or do ya dig the nothing posts?