Maybe it’s the weather.

I definitely think it could be the pills.  I’m so sick of the pills.

I realized almost a month in advance that the hardest day of the year is coming.  I don’t even remember how I handled it last year, how can it be this hard this year?  How can it still be this hard seven years later?

I miss my brothers.  I need my neighbor parents around more.  My heart breaks that I don’t get to watch two of my nephews grow up.

I can’t even explain this one:  I feel trapped in this state.

If I ignore the emails can I pretend that he’s still a few miles up the road and not on his way to another continent?

This budget of mine is definitely a thorn in the side.

My calendar… damn my calendar is just boxes filled with anxiety.  Why can’t I say no?  When I do say no why can’t I spend the time on myself instead of collapsing into a ball of immobility on my couch?

Migraine out of left field, that has definitely thrown a wrench in the works.  Add “blacking out” twice in front of near strangers, not a good thing.  Am I falling apart again?

I have the most ridiculous case of writers block ever.  How can you even get writers block when all you write about are your thoughts? 

And then the answer hits me:  I’m hiding.  How many times in one day do I have to start crying simply because I sat still long enough to actually hear the thoughts in my head?  I can list all day and it doesn’t stop the fact that I am stuffing things so far down that all I can feel is that nagging unbalanced whine of something not being quite right.  It’s not writers block when you have fifteen post it notes scribbled hastily because your voice was screaming too loudly to ignore.  It’s HIDING when those post its lay in a pile on the desk for weeks because actually running with them would mean thinking.  Thinking would mean I’d have to admit that I’m sad that I’m not where I want to be, that my family isn’t all here, that my friends are moving apart.  It would mean acknowledging that I am losing my shit and I have no idea how to stop it because I’ve let it build and build until it’s so much bigger then even I know.

I used to be much better at repressing.  I’m losing my edge.