Yesterday I accidently told my very best friend a secret I’ve been keeping from him for our entire eleven year relationship.  Any guilt I should have felt for keeping a secret from the person who understands me the most on this planet was wiped away because this secret was to protect him.  The last thing I ever want to do to him is cause him pain, to make him worry, to take him back to one of the worst times in his life.  And last night I blew that out of the water.

The instant it was too late to take back that rambling text I knew I’d made a huge mistake.  I hoped that he would breeze right over those two words and take in the whole of the text:  I’m trying.  He didn’t, those words jumped out at him, as they would for any person who’d lived it before.  I’d give anything to take back that misstep and leave him believing that it’s not that bad.  He says it’s okay, he says it’s different this time because I am trying.  I know that he has to tell himself that.  I hope that he believes me when I say I am trying, I’m fighting this battle with everything I have left.  He’s my inspiration to never, ever let this go further.

I’ve protected him from this for eleven years…  I can only hope that he’s not worrying about the rest of our lives now.

*****Notes*****

I’m pretty irked at myself for already messing up NaBloPoMo.  Day three?  I miss day three!  I never realized how busy a person could be when they never leave their house.  Yesterday was phone calls, and reassuring people, and not even being able to finish one movie because of the worry I am causing people.  Not only do I not want to leave my house any more, but I want to stop talking about the changes I am currently going through.  Spoken from the Queen of Worrying:  Stop worrying about me.  It is a waste of your time and energy and it makes me feel like a leper. 

I know that this is annoyingly defensive, and I apologize for that.  My writing has always been on the vague side, I’m not good with opening up.  Just know those two words I mentioned above have nothing to do with hurting myself so there is ZERO need for people to worry about me at this point.  I know that it comes out of love, and I appreciate that, but there’s no reason for other people to fall down the worry hole.  Trust me, I’ve got that covered.